I had a woman inform me that only home schooled children received the best education and were the most advanced, without exception. Her words stung me. While I do a lot of things the old fashioned way and at home, teaching my children the whole of their education isn't one of them.
She didn't blink an eye when I told her my children were in the public school system. I left the conversation feeling inferior as a parent, wondering about my decisions, and a tad guilty.
I've read many articles on home schooling and statements made by home schooling parents. Whether or not to home school is a personal and family decision. As all decisions my husband and I make regarding our children, we give it serious thought and do what we think is best for all involved.
One of the things that bothers me most when I read these articles or hear some of these people talk is, "I would never put my children in public school."
When we use "I never" statements, what we're really saying boils down to one word, pride. Tweet this When we say I'd never do this, we're essentially saying I'd never make such a poor judgement call as you, and holding ourselves in a loftier position. Don't for one minute think I haven't used "I never" statements. I have.
And when I first examined this, I didn't like it. It made me squirm. I wasn't being judgmental, was I?
The next time you catch yourself thinking or starting to use a "I never" statement, take a moment to really examine the motive and attitude behind it.
As for deciding to put my children in the public school system, part of the reason is I work outside the home as a pharmacy tech three to four days a week. We depend upon my pay check to help pay our mortgage. But even if you're a mother who doesn't work outside the home and your children go to public school, I'm here to tell you right now, don't feel guilty like I did.
I've seen home school students go out into the world as adults barely able to read or write. I've seen public school students graduate barely being able to read or write.
I've seen home schooled students having very poor social skills and struggling to relate with others in a group setting of their peers outside of their immediate family. I've seen public school students not know how to behave in a group setting, become loners, and act out.
I don't believe that there is one right answer for every family in regards to home schooling or public school. I do believe that no one should be made to feel guilty for their decision.
Regardless of which education system you decide, the most important thing boils down to how you interact with your child. Do you show interest in their day? Do you make sure they understand their school work? Do you know what they're learning?
Despite which mode of school they're in, these are things we as parents should know the answer to.
We sit down with our son every evening and work on homework as a family, my husband and younger daughter included. If he's struggling in an area, we find a way to help him understand and grasp the subject. We're in communication with both his school teacher and bus driver.
If you're a mother who doesn't home school your children, you are not inferior as a parent.
I've wondered more than once if I'd failed my child by putting him in other's care. But God was quick to remind me that no matter where my son is, He is there. He is there on the bus seat, the playground, and in the class room. And He is in my son's heart.
Your success as a parent isn't determined by where your child attends school. Tweet this
Do you home school or use public school? Has anyone ever made you feel guilty for this decision?
Vicki
We are called to educate our own children. Public school is no longer safe physically, mentally or spiritually.
a homeschool mom
WOW! I'm extremely late on commenting, so Vicki will probably never see my response. However, this attitude is exactly the opposite of helpful. If there was a command in the Bible that all are to homeschool, then maybe this comment would be warranted, but it doesn't. There are some public schools that are wonderful, have amazing teachers and staff, are safe, etc. They may teach some things that are against what your particular beliefs are, but that is why we are called to parent are children not hide them from everything. I am now a mom that homeschools, but we didn't pull our children out of public school because we were afraid for them in their school. They had fantastic teachers, the administration was wonderful as well, and it was a safe environment. We switched simply because we felt the Lord leading us to, so we responded in obedience.
I think we all need to be careful to ever say things as absolute truths unless they are considered to be so in the Bible.
Debbie Rhoades
p.s. I need to watch my "I'd never" statements. I don't like to think of myself as being prideful like that (it made me squirm). Thank you for everything you do for us out here in Internet-land!!!!
Debbie Rhoades
Melissa, thank you for your post. I am guilty of the "I'd never" remarks plenty of times. When my kids were young, homeschooled kids were a rare RARE thing. Of course, when my kids were in school, there was still discipline allowed, also.
I have said to my daughter that when she has children, I hope they can go to a private school or be homeschooled, but that may not be a viable option for them to do, and if not, I won't make her feel bad about it. I am just terrified at how scary school has become nowadays, and I am sure you are, too. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty, because I think you are a great mom. I always read your blogs and love your simpler life and your faith in God and your family values.
Debbie
Melissa Norris
Debbie,
Thanks so much for your encouragement and kind words. 🙂
Carol
"I do believe that no one should be made to feel guilty for their decision"
Actually, I would alter this statement , as I know several people who should DEFINITELY be made to feel guilty about their decision! I am not the person to do it, of course (and there lies the issue, is it MY place to make them feel guilty? Not likely...), but not everyone puts the thought into their decision that you have, and plenty of people buy into the nonsense being peddled about medicating children into submission, rather than dealing with their individual needs. I can honestly say I have my doubts as to whether my children will do best ACADEMICALLY with me as their teacher, but the agenda being put into place in schools is far beyond mere academics at this point. I don't care much for sweeping statements, but here is one that is pretty much a sure thing: any parent who is not closely, actively involved in their children's day to day schooling (whether public or private, religious or secular, home or away) is taking a dangerous gamble with the well-being of their children. Our world no longer makes sense. "Progress reports" from a teacher once a quarter used to be enough (or at least parents thought so) but not anymore... I just know that being that involved and informed is getting tougher to do in a world where judges rule that "the parents' authority ends at the threshold of the public school" and there are people out there who are trying to get laws passed to bring secular sex-ed classes into PRIVATE schools, and homeschools can't be far behind. When someone gets shrill and seems judgemental about your decision to make use of the public school that you are paying for, and have every right to use (and influence) please remember how overwhelming all of this can be, and even though your area may have a good public school (for now) the person you're dealing with may have some very different experiences. It definitely doesn't justify a wrong spirit, but it may help explain it, for those of us "shell shocked" by battles with the public school system. It can seem like watching someone sending their children "into the lion's den". Or they could just be obnoxious. 🙂
Carol
As a reply to my own self I will clarify, that I think that the choice is going to be taken from us if things continue as they are. Look at Germany. Homeschooling is illegal. When the government wants your children that badly, will you be willing to hand them over? Our own country has denied asylum to the Romeike family (not at all sure I spelled that name correctly) because our government doesn't support parental authority as a right. We currently have the choice, but that is in jeopardy, and the more parents who don't see homeschooling as important, the less support there will be in protecting the right to do so. It's basic human nature that we spend our energy on what directly affects us personally. I have a (former) friend who gets absolutely nasty at ANY criticism of public schools anywhere, including news articles of some of the atrocities that have gone on, from political indoctrination of grade school students to sexual abuse, etc. She certainly wouldn't lift a finger or be at all concerned if I lost my right to homeschool. It's enough to get my "militant mom" blood up! Balancing that with a sweet spirit and minding my own business about other people's educational choices can be tricky, especially when you never know when you will be on the receiving end of the opposite extreme... makes my head spin sometimes!
Jan Cline
Good for you for posting this. I cringe when I hear comments like she made. It applies to a lot of things we make judgements on and put others in a box. I had the same experience with a similar issue this weekend. Pride? Yes indeed. And it's not fair to exercise it at the expense of someone's feelings.
Blessings!
Melissa Norris
Thanks, Jan! You're right, anytime we try to build ourselves up at someone else's expense isn't fair.
Linda Choate
More than the academic or socialization issues or our feelings and opinions, we must consider what God says to us in His Word about raising and educating our precious children. And the Scriptures instruct us in this. There is nothing in the Bible to defend the public school. If they are sent there to learn to think as humanists, they will do so. And we see the results of this today after decades of this philosophy. I would highly recommend Chris Klicka's book. The Right Choice: Home Schooling.
"I am afraid that the schools will prove the very gates of hell, unless they diligently labor In explaining the Holy Scriptures and engraving them in the heart of the youth." - Martin Luther
Susan Johnson
I appreciate this post. Both of my children are grown, but I had them in public school. My best friend homeschooled her kids. It worked for her, but I don't think it would have worked with me. I did pray about it quite a bit, and instead of God telling me to take my kids out of public school, he put me in the public school system where I was a teacher's aide for 16 years.
Marie at The Homesteader School
Thanks for this thoughtful post, Melissa. We raised four kids, and each one had a mix of home school, private Christian school, and public school. There were times when we were criticized for all those decisions, and I felt guilty about some aspect of each one.
Looking back, I wish I had listened only to my own and my husband's opinions and not cared what others said. We made decisions based on our own thoughts, feelings, values, and circumstances. I do think it's important to evaluate often instead of saying "I will always..." or "I will never..." There may be a time when one way of schooling makes more sense than another. And as others have mentioned, you may want to school one child differently than another.
But no matter how you choose to school your kids, it's the "HOME schooling" of life, values, and individual attention that parents and other family members provide that will really matter in the end. Our kids are all adults now, mature, good citizens and dedicated spouses and parents. When they reminisce or give credit for how they turned out, there's very little about school compared to the importance of other family times and our family life in general.
Brittany
Melissa,
This post caught my attention as I was homeschooled K-12 and did my first year of college via online courses before I went off to ministry school the following year. I appreciate the way that you addressed the subject and how you did not attack either way.
I hear so often that homeschoolers aren't "socialized" or that they can't "relate" and there is so much that is said about them - but as you said, there are some IN school that are the same way.
My view is this: Public school is not for everyone. Homeschooling is not for everyone. It comes down to what is best for your kids and for your family. I want to say more but I'm not sure how. I will not be one to send my children to public school, but I won't condemn those who do either. This isn't about pride, it is about this family, in this set of circumstances, in this time.
Melissa Norris
Brittany, thank for sharing your experience. And your words are true, this family, these circumstances, and this time, should what dictate your schooling, along with God's guidance. Congrats on Ministry School!
Brittany
Thank you! I've since graduated and I'm working towards my counseling certification.
Bless!
Amy
As a homeschool mom of 10 years I'm really sorry to hear that. It is a personal decision, and no judgements should be made either way. My only encouragement would be to not say no to homeschooling out of fear. I said I could never homeschool; not smart enough, not patient enough. Well a year and a half later we pulled our daughter out of school (God has a way with "I will never".) There were many times I doubted my ability to homeschool, but through God's grace we just finished up 10 years, with our oldest starting college at Seattle Pacific, and our youngest going to public high school as a sophomore. I'm thankful we live in a country were we get to choose the educational path that works best for our families.
Melissa Norris
Amy, God definitely has a way of dealing with those "I never" statements, in more than one way. Happy to hear of your children's success.
Marsha
I am a first grade public school teacher who has spent about the same number of years teaching in private schools, for a total of forty two years. One thing I have learned to accept is no school or teaching environment is ideal for every child. There have been several children who came to my classroom from a home schooling situation. Some of those children had advanced skills and I had to develop special individual lessons to challenge them. Other children knew virtually nothing. For those students, I designed lessons that would bring them to the expected level of proficiency. The flip side is those children who, for one reason or another, could not flourish and succeed in a classroom full of peers. Homeschooling was a viable solution for those children, offering them opportunities to succeed academically and socially. Education is not a "one size fits all" .....each and every child has needs that must be met, no matter where or with whom they are learning. Most importantly, we must remember to set aside our adult egos and prejudices, and do whatever it takes, because those children are quite literally the world's future..in other words, they are OUR future.
Melissa Norris
Marsha, bless you for your dedication to children and for being a teacher who sees the needs of all of her students.
Brittany
I appreciate this coming from a teacher. Not all kids are going to fit the cookie-cutter that the education system seems to try to fit them in. Thankful for teachers who adapt to that.
Heather Day Gilbert
Melissa, posts like this just make me so stinking sad, and I'm a homeschool mom! I agree--those "I never" statements are just oozing w/pride. I know personally that God has different plans for each of our childrens' schooling--every year I take it before Him and pray w/my hubby about our choice. I also have a son in Christian school. I don't know why moms constantly feel the need to one-up each other, but it seems to happen all the time, from staying at home to schooling choices to food choices. God wired every one of us differently, for different reasons, and I believe as long as we know we're following Him in our school choices, He's the only one we ever have to answer to. Hugs to you!
Melissa Norris
Thanks, Heather. I think the one up thing is from the enemy, if we can stay in competition instead of love, the spread of God's love will be hindered. Blessings to you!
Melissa Norris
Yes, God's calling is the one we should spend time on thinking and reflecting, not on other's careless words. I love hearing about families who take each child's needs into consideration with schooling.
Misty
I have struggled with this for years. Only this year did we keep a child home. First because the zoned high schools for us are absolutely terrible and I know my son would fall thru the cracks. And second, this year we were blessed for me to stay home after adding another to our family. We have 2 other children still in public schools. And our child at home is not taught by me (i do not feel called to do so), he is in a Virtual public school. There are a lot of options and the same thing is not good for everyone. We have to do what God is calling us to do. Thank you for this post.
Jennifer
Dear Melissa,
I am so glad you wrote this post. I have homeschooled our eight children for 23 years. When I first started homeschooling, I was so overly zealous about our family's chosen path, that I thought it was the ONLY path. I am sure I was nothing short of obnoxious about expressing my views way back in the beginning; I was very young, immature, and prideful. I vividly remember a conversation that I had with a dear friend from high school that had chosen to put her children in public school. The words I said to my friends that day more than 20 years ago still ring shamefully in my ears. I hurt her. And I lost a friend. I regret that so much. It wasn't until about six years ago, when the Lord decided He had had enough of my pride, and He used a very painful experience with my oldest daughter to bring me down. Hard.
I am so grateful that God loves me enough to chasten and discipline me, and to draw me closer to Himself. I now have a totally different outlook on life. Schooling is a choice that each family must make for themselves. Just because homeschooling might be right for my family, does not mean it's right for another family. And I used to say "never" a lot. But I have learned my lesson! We do not know what God has for us right around the corner, which we cannot see yet. And who are we to judge others? We are only responsible to walk obediently to God's call on our lives. We are to love others regardless of how they live theirs.
Thank you, Melissa, for this post. I hope it reaches someone who really needs to hear it.
Melissa Norris
Jennifer, I'm sorry you learned a lesson the hard way, I've had to learn that way to, more times than I'd care to admit, but you're right, our God is so gracious. I can't wait to see what He has around the corner for all of us!
Melissa Norris
Amen, Becky! Here's to living guilt free before our Lord.
Becky Daye
I appreciated this post, Melissa! We send our kids to public school and I have felt judged by many people for this decision. I have felt at times like I need to defend my decision and even that I need to find things to put down in the homeschool realm because I have been made to feel like I am "stupid" (actual word used for any Christian who would send their child to public school) and even that I am sinning. I have spent a great deal of time in prayer on this issue- praying that I would be faithful to the way the Lord leads our family, but not get caught up in the divisive arguments that occur over this issue. Bottom line for me is are we seeking to bring glory to God? How do we honor Him through the decisions that we make? Are we seeking to win his approval or the approval of men?
It is a tough road at times, but we can see God's hand all over it. I am thankful for that!
Great post and no guilt!!!